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About Me

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Bukit Mertajam, Penang, Malaysia
Hi! I am Razor and I'm 15 years old.Loves red, loves trendy shirts, loves cool stuff,loves breakdancing,loves badminton, loves chinese chess, loves corinthian helmet,loves stalking ( I'm good at it),loves debate,loves taking risk and loves sleeping... - hypomaniac - glutton - computer games addict Above was my description three years ago:-) now I'm 18,legal for sex,loves basketball to death, having the time of my life:-) The pic? That was five years ago!:-) it's been a while since I updated,I bet little people are going to come here, but now I'm back!that's what matters :-) enjoy reading my darkest secrets:-)

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

请问可以Time-Out吗?

节奏很快...

脚步很快....

拍子很快....

我们之间发展得也很快....

也许是...太快了吧...


唉,不知道啦....

也许你不知道我要设么...

但,你可以不要酱牺牲吗?

我很,心,痛...


痛得麻木了....

所以不介意再痛...

17天后就一次过拿Commitment出来讲...

以为冲动,就可以就反映出我是一只色狼,就可以,Time-Out...

没想到,反而是加时....

痛是痛,但我觉得累比较残忍....


为了你,我设么都可以...

即使要我拿心去给Exhaust Pipe烫,我也是无所谓...

烫了后也许才会...从新感觉到痛....

心被毒到变狠毒....

心被折磨到变更坚强....

也能够安慰自己....

顺便找了个离开的理由....


对,离开....

我现在有了离开的理由....

但,离开了也太不像样了吧...

但但,没有离开也未免太残忍了吧....

我不介意不像样....


不是你离开,就是我离开....

我看到你很辛苦....


你拿你的幸福来换我的.....

我一边观察,一边觉得这样子根本就不幸福....

所以还是我离开吧....

你,也许,会得到你要的幸福....

我,一定,会得到幸福,只是是另一种幸福....

我们回到过去的生活....

虽然我很不习惯....

但给我430根香烟的时间...

就可以了...


如果要让你接受我....

就要让你放手而受苦....

那我宁愿当作设么都没有发生过....

我,又在,收回我的话了.....


想了想,心上多了一条裂痕....

多了十条也无所谓....

反正都碎了....:)




唉,我唱林宇中的“我不是他”只是唱爽罢了...

没想到越唱越灵....

以后我不敢乱唱歌了....

Friday, April 16, 2010

Dream....+ing of you....Again...

This morning...
I...
Dreamt of you again....

I was so crazy over you....
So crazy in love...

Like an elephant glue, I stuck around you...
In the end, I could not help but to ask.....
"Would you be ...........?"

When I asked that very question...
You're not you...physically....
But you're obese(chubby in nicer words),has a pony tail and an interesting personality....
Nevertheless, I could feel...
I know it's you...
It's like you've swapped bodies with someone...

I didn't care how you looked like....
That's why I have the reason to love you more....
And asked you that question....

My heart leaped by bounds when you said:
"I agree to your first and second wish(regarding clothes), but the third needs time"

I have no idea what second and third wish you were talking about...
I was over the moon if you agree to my first....

Widely awake (now), the only thing I could come up with the second wish is...sex...
Or else I don't know what's gotta do with clothes logically....
You're not going to wash them, iron them, tear them, paint them, wear them....
Take them off?
Another pervertic idea....
SKIP

* *

Then you're going home....
In your silver proton saga, with numbers 5100 (OMG, I should have bought 4D! Forget it, it's too late)

The next day you came over with your friends....
I don't know if it's next day or not because I didn't experience any night in the dream...
Oh well, I was washing the dishes, outside the house?
And why did I run into hiding when you and your buddies came?
Was I shy or what?
I wish I know....

*Alarm rings*

The first thing I think of when I woke up...
Is you...
The second, was the wishes....
The third, the dream dictionary....
Then I panicked.
When I learned that such dictionary exists, I was so scared to sleep.
I don't want to know any bad omen or destiny in the dream...
But I checked it anyways, the only thing bad is the colour black....
You were wearing a black shirt with orange collar like my sis's....
Black means death, in extreme cases....

Let's see what happens when you're dead:
Picture this, your parents sobbing over you....
Maybe your little bro's being strong for the first time...
Your friends are all there, especially your tuan ti 1 friends....
Yeah, hamster will be there, she is GOING to be there....
And maybe I get to see her cry for the first time...
I, don't know if I want to weep....
But I'd certain I'd hug you until I'm done before I tell your parents how I feel about you....
(You know, just in case I got chases away or maybe jailed)

Helena by My Chemical Romance is playing....
The sky is a bright grey....
Everyone's in black...
A few sobs can be heard occasionally....
And nobody's oblivious of the scene that I still cling onto your coffin...
I could I ever accept....
That we're seperated....
Not because of communication problems....
Or misunderstandings....
Or forbidden love....
Or parent objection...
Or violating the undang-undang
But by the cruelest of all, DEATH....

* *

There you go....
This is probably what will happen....
But alas, this will never come true....
Unless you purposely make it come true by sleeping in the middle of the north-south highway....
Then I'm completely commentless and speechless....



But the main point is....
I like you no more...
But I love you....
Yes, very much....
Up to the point I'm willing to waste 6 hours and RM20 killing myself...

I love you...
Not physically, but emotionally.....(Shown)(haha, as in add.maths)
Maybe I should ask you that question, for real....
I want to carry your heart....
I carry it in my heart....



I don't want you in my dreams, I want you for real....

Monday, April 12, 2010

I'm Trying

I'm good at flirting when courting...
But I stammer in front of you...

I flirt with every target I see...
But before I sleep I think of you...

I seem to be very nice to someone else....
But in my heart there's only you...

I try to control myself and give you some freedom...
But everytime I breathe I could only think of you...

I can make anyone laugh or smile so easily...
But I have to spend the whole night planning how to make you smile....

I'm bathed in endless flirts and winks....
But I learn to resist them because in my eyes there's only you....

I get so worried everytime I know you're sad....
But my heart gets broken when I see you inconsolable....

I have every damn connection to every essential teachers...
But I could not save you from a simple matter...

I think of you now, and every now and then....
But I could not save myself from the torture of missing you....

Thursday, April 1, 2010

April's Fool + Sukan Tara

In conjunction with April's Fool Day, we have Sukan Tara (Just kidding)...
I have never been so fulfilled in my life....
Leading a voluntary army beating the scores by X2 man!
With the red house scoring high (for form 3 and form 4)
This morning, I came to school and looked at the board...
How ashamed I was to wear red....
But now, I'm proud to be in red house...

When I think of the tug o' warriors....
I almost scream my lungs out....
It was like FIFA WORLD CUP!!
In the midst of tension and screams, they have to be steady....
And how cool is that to win?
Wear red, see red and bleed red....
WE WERE INDOMINABLE!!!
TURBO!! (Our red house motto)

...
...
...

Today I finally spit the words out....
Fortunately, what I've got was some very mature results....
...to my relief.
But today is a bad day because it's April's Fool....
Yeah, I thought of that but I wouldn't give myself any more reason to procrastinate...
Thanks for spending the time with me....
;)

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Can I Stop Being a Wussy?

ARGH!!
I HATE MYSELF!!
THERE'S SOMETHING HOLDING ME TO SAY IT...
YET I'M SO EAGER TO SAY IT....

MAYBE I DONT HAVE THE GUTS!!
GODDAMNIT!!
HAVE I EATEN MY GUTS!?!?
SPIT IT OUT!!!
IF I AINT NO GUTS TO SAY THREE SIMPLE WORDS TO YOU...
HOW AM I GONNA SUCCEED IN LIFE!?!
ARGH!!

THAT DOES IT!
I DONT CARE ANYMORE
I GOTTA DO IT TOMORROW
EVEN IF IT MEANS GETTING 2 SLAPS AND BEING SHOVED BACK TO MY CLASS
I DONT CARE ANYMORE

Thursday, March 25, 2010

The Reason

I'm really really helpless...
You've been dying to know...
I've been dying to hide....
And now what happens?

I don't want you to get hurt or anything....
Well, anyways I did hurt you...
At least it's not as severe as it's supposed to be....

I don't want to say sorry anymore...
You've been hearing that everyday...
The more I say it, the less value my sorries are....

Looking at my silent phone...
I feel so...weird....
My phone is always silent...
But now, way too silent....

Desperate, I click my phone every 5 minutes...
Searching for your name....
But now, disappointed...
I know I've done too much....

Maybe it's for the best...
Still, I can't live without reading your message...
I've been reading them everyday and now...
I stop? I'm an underwater fish who needs to learn how to live outta water in 24 hours...
It's just so...Hard and weird...

Interacting with you too much?
And the only reason I can come up with is "Habit"...
The habit of talking to you...
I don't really know when it started...
But I know it started last year...
We're two people from two different worlds...
Who talk to each other a little too much until...
We are artificially in the same world...
Overlapping each other...
Come to think of it, it's bizarre....
Way bizarre...

It's too bizarre until you wonder what the reason is...
I had no reason...
I'm wondering too...
Now I know what the reason was....
(Sing) And the reason is....you

It's an old song anyway...
That makes it an old reason...
Nevermind, time gave me reason...
A reason I'm sure none of us wants to know....(Trust me)
Unfortunately, I know...
And I'm SUFFERING...

Suffering...
The reason is not you anymore...
What was once ours is not pure...
NOT PURE!!!
THAT GODDAMNED FOUR-LETTER WORD TOOK IT ALL AWAY...
But...
....
....
....

What happens if I'm free from the grasp of FLW?
Will it be pure again?
Like it used to be?
I'm so scared...
So afraid...
That the evil FLW is the reason I'm holding on....
Without it, I'm out of your world....


If it isn't for my childish attitude, this wouldn't have happened...
Another 50 pumps for me until I wake up....


I...........You

Friday, March 19, 2010

It's A Serious Game

Just when I almost stepped out, you came in...

My legs missed by inches...

Until I could make no more return...



The "I" is there...

Without any confirmation...

If may just be a joke, a game, an entertaining dialogue...

To me, it's always a game...

We all have lots of fun, we're satisfied and fulfilled...

Then tomorrow we all forget all about it and start playing again.....



But when we started that game, it's not merely a game...

Every words that I've said...

I meant it, from the bottom of my heart...

I wish you played not because to please me...

Then I rather wish I'm dead than to make you do something like that...



Experienced, I would not go further than the game to confess...

Because what I did after that left me a broken heart...

Maybe I was too desperate? Maybe I was too aggressive?
I have no idea until now...

Study needs hardworking attitude...
Freedom needs isolation...
Love needs a Lionheart...
Am I brave enough to trade our friendship for love?
Do I love you more than afraid of hurting my heart?
Can I withstand the hopelessness and frustration if your answer was not me?

SELFISH!!!
It's always about me...
What about you?

Are you hurt to have lost me as a friend because I confessed?
Are you afraid of rejecting me?
Could you still overcome the awkwardness between us after all these?





Now I know the answer...
If it makes you happy,I will muster every ounce of confidence I have and take this game to the next level...
If it doesn't, I will just forget that anything happened...
For the moment, I'm standing between the blurred lines of friendship and love...
Who knows, maybe I'll just stand there until I love you no more or till future divides us...


Do you believe me when I say: "I love you forever"? ...

I wouldn't believe myself....
But hey, look on the bright side, at least we have some fun before it ends...